Today is Not My Fault

"Yesterday was a very nice day for mid-October with lots of sunshine and very warm temperatures. However, we still need rain badly across the area and the chance of that happening will thankfully go up over the next several days. But, not today. Today, we continue to suffer. Today, we plead. And let me make this clear: Today is not my fault."

"Did anyone say - "

"I can see the accusation in your eyes."

"You're looking at a camera."

"Do you think I like this? Do think I enjoy this? Do you think it makes me happy?"

"Well, you generally seem pretty jolly."

"IT MAKES ME ANGRY!"

"...generally..."

"People stare at me on the streets. They say things behind my back. They throw things at me."

"Oh, come on now. Nobody throws things at you."

"I GOT HIT WITH A CABBAGE!"

"Really?"

"OR POSSIBLY A RUTABAGA."

"They're not really the same - "

"Listen, I'm just giving you the data. I don't control the weather. I can't summon the rain. Believe me, I've tried. All those hamsters..."

"Oh my god."

"It's not my fault."

"No one said it was."

"MAYBE IT WAS CHARD. IT COULD HAVE BEEN CHARD!"

"Are you done?"

"NO!"

"Jeff...what are you...don't -- "

"I CAN'T TAKE THE WHISPERS AND THE INSULTS!"

"...you can't lift that..."

"MY NAME IS NOT JEFF SANDWICH!"

"He's going to hurt himself."

"I'M SICK OF - OH GOD MY BACK!"

"Wow. I heard that pop all the way over here."

"I think I broke something."

"Why don't you just lie there for a while? You're off camera. We'll get Patrick to cover for you."

Grudge

"Good morning! This past weekend was just beautiful for outdoor plans with lots of sunshine and very comfortable, fall temperatures. However, this week it will start to feel like late summer again with highs well above normal once again. Which is, you know, pretty screwed up if you think about it."

"I try not to."

"Do you ever think that maybe the weather has something against you? I mean, really holds a grudge? I do."

"I'm not entirely surprised."

"Look, here's proof: You want to know why the weather was so good this weekend? Do you?"

"Uhm...sure."

"I hid from it."

"You...what?"

"I hid from it, so it couldn't see me. Probably thought I left town."

"I don't believe it."

"ARE YOU CALLING ME A LIAR?"

"No, I'm calling you crazy."

"I AM NOT CRAZY! I AM A VICTIM! The weather has it out for me. It's trying to make me look like a fool."

"You don't need - "

"DON'T EVEN SAY IT! I can't believe the lack of gratitude around this place. I gave up my entire weekend for you!"

"Hiding from the weather..."

"IT WORKED, DIDN'T IT?!?"

"I'm going to regret this, but...how did you hide from the weather, Jeff?"

"I built a fort."

"A...fort?"

"In my living room. With blankets and pillows. And I grew a mustache."

"In two days?"

"I shaved it off."

"That still doesn't explain - "

"I AM SUBTLE AND CLEVER! And it worked, didn't it?"

"I don't see how."

"Follow the logic: Jeff not in his blanket fort, record high temperatures. Jeff in his blanket fort, beautiful fall weather. Jeff back to work without his mustache, above normal temperatures. YOU KNOW I'M RIGHT!"

"No. No, I don't."

"It was a mighty fort."

"I'm sure it was."

"I was a princess."

"That explains a lot."

Cyclops!

"Today will see more clouds west, with more sun east, so overall we will call it partly sunny. I cannot rule out a few late-day showers in the mountains, but it does look like the majority of the energy with this upper level feature will stay to the north and west of us. What -- what is that?"

"What is what?"

"That. That light. It keeps...blinking."

"It's the camera, Jeff."

"...blinking...blinking..."

"It's supposed to do that."

"There's another one over there. And there. How am I supposed to concentrate with all this...blinking?"

"That means they're working."

"ARE YOU TRYING TO HYPNOTIZE ME?"

"No. Why would we - "

"And these lights. They're so bright! WHY ARE THEY SO BRIGHT?"

"It's for the set."

"ARE YOU TRYING TO STEAL MY SECRETS?!?"

"I'm not even sure what that means."

"Those...those eyes. They're all looking at me."

"Are you talking about the cameras again?"

"They have no souls."

"Why would you think - "

"STOP STARING AT ME, YOU CYCLOPS!"

"Dear lord, I don't understand - what, what is that?"

"YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!"

"What did you - is that syrup? Do you really keep a baggie of syrup in your pocket? Really?"

"I enjoy a teaspoon of maple syrup now and then. But only the real thing. None of that Log Cabin crap."

"You have got to be kidding me."

"DO I LOOK LIKE I'M KIDDING?"

"Point taken. Nonetheless, you just threw a baggie of syrup at the camera."

"WHAM!"

"Two cameras."

"YOU CAN'T HAVE MY SECRETS!"

"Don't - my god, he just threw himself through a window."

"...ouch..."

"Just leave him there and get Ros. He's not going anywhere."

Disturbances

"Record warmth, however, is again likely before the cold front arrives with highs in the lower 90s, so Tuesday will be another hot one. By Tuesday evening into Wednesday morning, the chance is there for a few showers and storms as the disturbance moves overhead. Behind that frontal boundary, we will finally turn cooler slowly. Yeah, right. Is anyone else tired of this, or is it just me?"

"Not again."

"Why the hell do I keep wearing dark suits? I guess I just enjoy sweating."

"I'm not sure that's appropriate."

"I don't think mowing my dead lawn in October is appropriate. I don't think wearing shorts and thinking a dip in the pool in the middle of October is appropriate. I DON'T THINK THIS GODDAMN WEATHER IS APPROPRIATE!"

"We're on the air."

"Good. Great. Do you think I care? I woke up this morning screaming. Do you want to know what I was screaming about?"

"The weather?"

"YOU'RE GODDAMN RIGHT I WAS SCREAMING ABOUT THE WEATHER! I was having a nightmare. I was in an alternate universe. In this crazy place, winter was like summer, and summer was like a blistering hell."

"Still on the air. Just thought I'd let you know."

"And there were these poor, deluded prophets whose job it was to announce, every morning, that the world was still upside down, that black was white, that cold was hot and hot was really damn hot. And even worse, they had to tell the people that it would only get worse. There was no hope! And then I realized it wasn't a nightmare. IT WAS YESTERDAY!"

"...cut his mic..."

"I AM A PROPHET OF MISERY!"

"You're a weatherman."

"METEOROLOGIST!"

"Whatever."

"Why am I still wearing this suit?"

"What are you -- "

"I will make a sacrifice!"

"Oh, god, get him before he -- "

"Hear me, ye fronts of cold and warm..."

"He just set his jacket on fire."

"...ye upper level disturbances..."

"Put it out! Put it out! Put it out!"

"...DOES MY SACRIFICE PLEASE YOU?"

"It's spreading. Goddamn it, the set is on fire. Pull the alarm."

"I TAKE YOUR RECORD-BREAKING TEMPERATURES UNTO MYSELF!"

"Pull the damn alarm! I can't see...so much smoke..."

"LET ME BE YOUR 90 DEGREE DAY!"

"Fire extinguisher. Spray it. Spray it!"

"FOR I AM A METEOROLOGIST!"

"His pants are on fire."

"HOW DO YOU LIKE ME NOW!?!"

"You know what? Just let it burn."

With My Mind!

"We look to close out the weekend with mostly sunny skies, but temperatures will climb into the upper 80s by then. A few areas south of Roanoke may flirt with 90 degrees late this weekend into early next week! Can you believe it? Well, can you?"

"...uhm, yes?"

"You should, because I've already been over this. We talked about it yesterday. And the day before. Every day, in fact. Here's what's going to happen tomorrow, and this weekend, and next week. That's all I ever seem to do."

"Isn't that what you're supposed to do?"

"Nobody ever listens. It's always, Oh, what's the weather going to be like this weekend? What's the weather like? What's the weather like? I TOLD YOU YESTERDAY!"

"That's how it - "

"WHY DIDN'T YOU LISTEN YESTERDAY?"

"I don't think - "

"If it's so goddamned important you should have been listening! But you were probably slurping on beef Ramen or eating Cap'n Crunch. THAT'S NOT MY PROBLEM!"

"Maybe you should calm down."

"IT MAKES ME SO ANGRY!"

"We're live, Jeff. I hope you realize that."

"You know what? You know what? I've had enough. I've just - it's not worth it. Nobody listens. Nobody believes me. So, here...here...I'll show you. This is why you should listen."

"What are you doing?"

"WHAM!"

"..uh..."

"See that? I just made a hole in the sky. With my mind."

"What are you talking about?"

"RIGHT THERE!"

"That's a low pressure zone. Or high pressure zone. I don't know, you're supposed to be - "

"WITH MY MIND!"

"Uhm, no? There's no hole in the sky."

"I have destroyed Emporia. NOW WILL YOU LISTEN?"

"Someone, please change the graphic."

"SEE, NOW I SUMMON FORTH THE VERY LIGHTNING!"

"A different graphic. Christ."

"CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?"

"Oh. Oh great. He just ran outside. He's heading for the Wachovia tower again. Someone grab him before he starts to climb it. We can't afford another scene like that."

Did Someone Spill a Slushy?

"As you can see from real-time VIPIR radar the Roanoke area should be - what the hell is that?"

"What are you talking about?"

"That, right there! Did someone spill a slushy on the damn VIPIR radar again?"

"That's not slushy, Jeff. I'm pretty sure it's a cold front."

"A cold front? Does that look like a cold front to you? I HAVE A DEGREE! I can tell the difference between a cold front and a slushy."

"Okay."

"Who did it?"

"Nobody did anything, Jeff."

"WHO SPILLED THE SLUSHY?"

"It's not a slushy. Look, I'll show you the - no, wait. No, Jeff, god, please leave Charlie alone. Please, he didn't do -- "

"DID YOU DO THIS?"

"Put him down, Jeff."

"I WILL EAT YOUR FACE WITH BARBECUE SAUCE!"

"Put him...oh, jeez, I didn't mean... Is he hurt? Someone, check on Charlie. I don't think he's conscious. And untangle him from the camera."

"WHO'S NEXT?!?"

"He's breathing? Good, good. Charlie, you okay, kid?"

"YOU?"

"Jeff - "

"YOU WANT SOME?"

"Can someone please - "

"I will not have real-time VIPIR radar suffer such - oomph!"

"Thank you, Steve. Don't worry, we can cover the bruise in make-up. No, I doubt the head-blow is going to affect him. Someone find Johanna so we can get this promo shot."

50s! 50s!

"Today's weather - 60s across the Valley, 66 in Roanoke, 64 in Lynchburg. Isolated thunderstorms. We're not even going to get into the 50s today. It's 60s for everyone. Everyone, do you hear? It's Fall, people! October!"

"Uh, Jeff, maybe you should..."

"50s! Where are the 50s? There should be 50s! What the hell is going on around this place? Has everyone gone crazy?"

"Okay, just calm down. Calm down."

"I WILL NOT CALM DOWN! 50s!"

"Someone please cut to commercial."

"I AM ANGRY!"

"Jeff, put down the light, please. Just...oh, god, Jeff, why did you throw that? Someone, please, clean that up. There's glass everywhere."

"It's like, what's going on in the world? It's October, people, OCTOBER! It's going to be in the 90s this weekend. How the hell are the kids going to trick-or-treat?!?"

"Jeff, we're going to have to come back from commercial -- "

"RRRAAAAWWWWWRRRRR!"

"Oooookay, someone get the tranquilizers."

"50s!"

"What...what are you doing...Jeff...put that..."

"I EAT ELECTRICITY!"

"No, you don't. Please drop the power cable. Do you remember what happened last time?"

"NO!"

"Of course you don't."

"I EAT ELECTRICITY - ooomph."

"Thank God. Good shot, Steve. That will calm him down until the next segment. Okay, cut to Juliet. We're back on in 3...2...1"